Types of Coffee Drinkers: the Caffeine Junkie

We all know, love and fear them – those people who are almost unbearable when they haven’t had their coffee. These so-called caffeine junkies have but one rule: coffee first. The world second.

The mood at the table is tense. Nobody utters a word. Drowsiness and grumpiness dominate the room. We are in the kitchen of the caffeine junkie. And this, before they have had their first coffee of the day.

The caffeine junkie is a type characterised by extremes: without the minimum dose of seven to eight cups of coffee a day they begin to suffer genuine withdrawal symptoms. Their motto? “The stronger the better“. Even if this means that the spoon remains standing upright in the cup. They can only laugh in disdain at their latte-drinking companions. In this regard, a certain degree of similarity to the coffee nerd cannot be denied. By the way, the preferred drink of choice for the caffeine junkie is the double espresso. A direct, double caffeine kick– and one walk fewer to the coffee machine.


Tired in the morning, awake at night

Please give the caffeine junkie a wide berth before they’ve enjoyed their first coffee of the day: they only really become properly socially acceptable after their third cup. If you try to speak to them beforehand, you are immediately putting yourself into a dangerous situation! The trick is to preventatively ambush the caffeine junkie with a Doppio Espresso. This rapidly helps to take the edge off their grouchiness.

The caffeine junkie belongs to the more nocturnal species of coffee drinker. This is only to be expected with a caffeine concentration of 95% in their blood. It’s only actually long past midnight that they actually first reach their peak! It’s just a shame that everyone else is already sound asleep when they are at their most productive. And so, the caffeine junkie wanders through the night and the internet like a ghost until the early hours. Starting the next day refreshed and rejuvenated? Somewhat difficult. But luckily, there’s coffee!


No caffeine, no fun

Another unmistakeable identifying feature is the table in the meeting room which is vibrating with sheer tension. The caffeine junkie obviously finds it difficult to sit still. Their excess energy is channelled into the outside world in the form of nervous foot-tapping or excessive drumming of the fingers, especially when it comes to somewhat boring meetings.

The source of their excessive caffeine consumption was once low blood pressure. Or a few sleepless nights. At some point, it became sheer habit. In the meantime, this type has built up a caffeine tolerance which would make even professional energy drink testers shake their heads in disbelief. And while we’re on this subject: in situations of dire need, where coffee cannot be found, the caffeine junkie has also been known to reach for an energy drink: “Otherwise I’ll just end up falling asleep“. It is for this reason that they live every day on the very edge of a caffeine overdose. The lethal dose of caffeine is around 10 grams in one day. However, this is equivalent to around 200 double espressos, which even a caffeine junkie would find hard to manage.

Back at the kitchen table, the situation has relaxed once more. The first coffee of the day has been prepared and consumed. Tentative attempts at conversation are under way. The caffeine junkie has been, for the time being, placated. But as we all know: there‘s always more coffee to be had.

Note: This text is a humorous exaggeration of certain types of coffee drinkers. If you really do suffer from a caffeine dependency, you should consult your doctor.

The Caffeine Junkie

  • How can you recognise them? Complete apathy in the morning.
  • What do they say to you? Just let me make a quick espresso.
  • What happens when you drink coffee together? If they’re the ones making the coffee, you won’t sleep for the next three days.
  • What can you learn from them? How to get the maximum amount of caffeine out of your coffee.
  • How can I get on well with them? Occasionally slip them a decaffeinated coffee.